From: mathnews@watmath.waterloo.edu (Math society newsletter)
Subject: A collection of humourous quotes from professors at UW
The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
"Yes, I don't have one."
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
- E. D'Azevedo Computer Science 372
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
- C. Durance Computer Science 234
"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon."
- R. Friesen Chemistry 124
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
- R. Willard Pure Math 430a
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone
with it?"
- M. Devine Computer Science 340
"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?"
- R. Friesen Chemistry 124
"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you
find that funny?"
- D. Taylor Computer Science 350
"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like."
- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldn't remember the proof."
- Baker Pure Math 351a
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette."
- P. Buhr Computer Science 354
"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something."
- J. Vanderkooy Physics 122
"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun."
- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up."
- Forbes Math Elective 102
"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today.
I do not give out extensions without good reason."
- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
- Hepler Systems Design 182
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertantly."
- J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
- M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340
"We'll call it S for cyclic."
- Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b
"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it."
- F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240
"All that was meant to bore you shitless."
- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
aren't even any property taxes."
- J. MacKay Mathematics 134b
"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and 'P' on it, right?"
- J. Baker Mathematics 234b
"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe
shorter."
- J. MacKay Statistics 332
"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?"
"Take out a loan."
- C. Durance Computer Science 234
And one last student quote to top it off:
prof: "...so the American gouvernment went to IBM to come up with a
data encryption standard and they came up with..."
student: "EBCDIC!"